This time last year, my world was falling apart and I was on a downwards spiral that just kept going down.
I tragically lost a wonderful friend who had her whole life ahead of her, my boyfriend (now ex) was going through a phase in which he was ignoring me for no reason but for his own amusement, and my anxiety and depression had become severely uncontrollable.
If you asked me this time last year “where do you see yourself in a years time?”, I wouldn’t honestly be able to answer. I couldn’t even see ahead to the following day, yet alone the following year. I couldn’t imagine ever getting out of the deep hole I had fallen into – as far as I was aware, there was no way out.
However, I have completely surprised myself. A year ago I would never have imagined where I would be in life today. To be honest, it was my family who got me through the traumatic times and helped me back onto my feet – their love and support got me to where I am today.
I’ve felt extremely guilty this week for hardly posting. I try to post daily if possible, often missing a day each week if I don’t have easy access to write a post. However, this week I have had no motivation to write whatsoever. I found myself sat at my laptop trying to force myself to write something, and then close my laptop, giving up. I’ve hardly even posted on twitter this week either, which if you follow me, you probably know that that isn’t like me at all!
But I think I have just discovered why.
This week is the first anniversary of losing a beautiful friend of mine so tragically last June. I had tried to stay strong all week and not think about it, however tonight I got into bed and the tears just automatically flowed. I didn’t even have to force them, they just appeared.. And once they had started, they just wouldn’t stop..
After about an hour of crying, I have just gone to the bathroom to splash my face with water and calm myself down. I haven’t cried in quite a while – which for me is very unusual as I used to cry almost every day. I’ve been very positive in life the last few months and have genuinely felt much happier and more confident in myself.
After a good cry tonight though, I have randomly picked up my iPad and have typed this out without even forcing myself to write anything. It’s as though crying helped me to release some of the pain that was subconsciously building up inside of me, and my subconscious was the reason I have found it hard to write this past week.
Therefore, hopefully after this evening I have been able to release myself of the pain and grievance inside of me, and I will begin to feel myself again once this week is over.
As many of you know, I keep my blog very private to my personal life due to me not having the confidence to share it with my family and friends yet. Therefore, without mentioning any names I would like to dedicate a little message to my beautiful friend…
It is coming up to the anniversary of your tragic death last June, and it still doesn’t seem real. Any mention of you gives me goosebumps, sends shivers down my spine and makes my hairs stand up on end. I constantly question “why you?” – how can such a traumatic and heartbreaking thing happen to such a beautiful and caring girl like you. Everybody down here thinks about you every day, and I really do hope justice will be served. I hope you’re in a much safer and happier place now, and please know you are always in our hearts. Rest in peace beautiful – gone but never ever forgotten ❤ xxxx