When my friends used to tell me to leave my relationship whilst I still can, I never listened. They would tell me I was in an abusive relationship and it was dangerous, but how could it be when he had never hit me? How could it be when he had never threatened to punch me or tried to strangle me?
I understand now. It has been just under three years since we broke up, and I can finally admit I was in a abusive relationship. Everybody else could see it; apart from me. Because Love is blind.
When we first got together, things were great. I fell for him straight away and it was the first time I could honestly say that I only have eyes for him. Things were going smoothly, yet whenever we came to any kind of obstacle that affected our relationship, it was always my fault.
But I was okay with that. I took full responsibility for the blame… Every time. That’s how it works, right?
When people ever mentioned anything about being in abusive relationships, I always envisioned punching, hitting, hair pulling, throwing around and kicking into walls. It never occurred to me that verbal abuse could come under the category of an abusive relationship.
It’s not until now though that I realise that I did know that all along – I was just in denial.
I was in a relationship where I was never allowed to be poorly or I would get laughed at.
I was in a relationship where I would be forced to have sex just because he wanted it.
I was in a relationship where I would be told to “F*ck Off” in the middle of the restaurant because my anxiety was playing up.
I was in a relationship where I was threatened that we would break up if I didn’t send him naked photos.
I was in a relationship where I had to literally get down on my hands and knees to beg for forgiveness if I did something wrong.
I was in a relationship where I would be ignored for days on end (sometimes weeks) for no reason but because he found it funny.
I was in a relationship where I was on medication for my anxiety and depression which would get referred to as “crazy b*tch pills”.
I was in a relationship where I was too scared to say no.
I was in a relationship where I would always be walking on eggshells.
I was in a relationship where I became physically and mentally ill.
I was in a relationship where I would have to give sexual favours as an apology.
I was in an abusive relationship.
I was scared. I was too scared to say no, I was too scared to leave him and I was certainly too scared to tell anybody about what I was going through. My friends all had bad vibes, but they never knew what went on behind closed doors.
When he ended the relationship (for another girl, as I later found out) I thought my world was crashing down. It took me a while to get back on my feet and if I’m completely honest, it took me well over a year to get over him.
But now I realise that was the best thing that could have happened. It’s not until now that I look back and realise that I never ever should have put up with any nonsense off him. It’s not until now that I realise I was abused.
To anybody who is taking any form of abuse, both verbal and physical, I cannot tell you enough that you need to get out of there. No matter how much you love them, you do not deserve that. I know it’s easier said than done, but down the line you will be thankful that you are free from such trauma. You need to be honest with your friends and loved ones who do actually care for you so that they can help you and hold you up through all the tough times.
I have never wrote a post or told many people about this before, but boy does it feel good to let the words flow on paper and let it all out.
I have found somebody now who treats me like a princess. He understands me, he listens to me, he tells me I am beautiful, he offers to bring me cuddles and chocolates when I feel poorly, he compromises if I don’t feel like doing something, he never forces me to do anything, and most of all he respects me.